Loneliness is selfish

Loneliness is selfish. Its when people don't want to share. It took me five years of being alone to realize this. All the time I was thinking about how unlucky I was to be me, when I was just really holding myself back from other people. I wasn't willing to risk myself getting hurt because I thought I could not bear to suffer. But that’s what happens when people get together, they both open themselves and make themselves vulnerable. That's the tradeoff. Not willing to give a bit of yourself, is no different than the kid with all the toys who doesnt want to even share one. Now after that said and done, I gave a lot of myself to someone and that person pretty much said she wanted to be alone. Now that shit hurts...I wish I could communicate to her how selfish that life is. But shes a lot younger than me and she has all the time in the world to be like that.

Arrogant Modern Mind

The biggest mistake we make in this modern world is to distance ourselves from loved ones, to avoid other people. We Human beings are inherently social, we needs each other to dissipate our stress and fears, and to mutually increase our self-esteem. While I do believe that each of us needs something to be passionate about it preferably something that makes us healthier and happier. (Not a waste of time like politics). But at the end of the day nothing can make you happier in the way another person can.

Passion for Passion's Sake

Its a waste of your times life to take any principle or belief too seriously so much so that it will cause you grief when you try to defend it. Because its not substantial. In the end its just a thought in your head. All it does is give you a sense of understanding. While that might comfort you, it will get you nowhere. The biggest fraudulent thought out there is this thing called truth, because really, it will not set you free and it will not make you happy, it will just make you angry that other people aren't thinking like you. The only thing that makes you happy in this life are doing the things you love and bonding with people you care about.

Space between waking and sleeping

The Space

I am so scared when my mind is not anchored to reality, because in between that space between sleep and wake there's only terror. I cross that space everytime when im drifting into sleep, I start loosing the sense of reality, but then in my mind an image of a car swerving into me will jolt me awake. And it takes me a few seconds to realize it was just in my head. If I try to go back to sleep it will just happen again. I sort of have to break the momentum of unreality by getting up and going somewhere else in the house. I tell myself " My name is Rafael, its 3 o clock in the morning on a Wednesday night" If I stay in that place, all I feel is anxiety over the most random thoughts that don't make any sense.

Lately I've started to hear sounds in my sleep, that will wake me jolt instead of images. The people upstairs tend to make alot of noise and its really getting to me. when I'm trying to go to sleep I'll hear a thunderous bang from upstairs in my head and it will wake me back up. The first time it happened I thought I was going crazy, because if I went back to sleep I kept hearing the sounds and they would keep waking me up. I would stop hearing the sounds when I would sit up and try to keep myself from drifting into sleep. Its scary.

If there is a hell its this space/transition..it does strike the fear of god into me, what if this is what happens when you die, your consciousness is stuck in this zone foreever. This is the closest I could think of being in eternal flames.

Monday Suckday

When did we start working for other people and not for our own survival. Its a depressing thought that we have to work all our lives to make money so we can pay landlords, water bills and taxes. Before that we used to work for ourselves, we went out and hunted or harvested all that we need for ourselves and our families. But somehow other people have set up the game so that other people work for them so they can have more than they need. If I was hunting or gathering my own supplies it would not seem depressing because I would be doing it for myself, I would just see it as part of being alive. It seems unnatural that we have created a society where labor is divided and diverted to making a few people have more than they can consume. While everyone else has to work for somebody else so that they're supplies for living are netted out as those few seem fit. This started when society started coming together and broke away from the Hunter gatherer groups and came together to form agricultural societies. But maybe our genes have not evolved with agricultural and industrial societies and that's why there's so much angst about work life. Its not natural to us as human beings.

Maybe we humans do not cope well with living together with thousands of each other side by side, we need space. But sitting down in a a cubicle typing away at a computer is not what the human body evolved along side with. That's why we are so sick, our bodies are built to roam.

Conflict And The City

Working as a messenger in new york city has taught me how to deal with conflict in the most direct yet smooth way possible. It has taught me, conflict is inevitable but that you don't have to embroil yourself in it. You can deal with it quickly and move away. Taking advantage of the "water that is constantly flowing under the bridge" nature of new York city traffic. I've learned to kick a car on its side, when it was going to turn into me yet after the fact, I just keep going like nothing happened. I don't look back and give a nasty look toward the driver, I don't try to argue the point, I react and then keep going like nothing happened. If the driver wants to pursue me and ask me why i did it I just shake my head as in "I'm not going to discuss this" and keep going". And I'll even apologize as to why I kick their car in.. Sorry about that but you were going to hit me" and I keep going.

nyc Streetlife

The cellphone put the nail into the coffin into the streetlife of new york. Sure there was always the walkman and ipods, ways that people could hide behind the music as they walked in the city. But the cellphone really allowed you to escape from becoming a participant in the street life. It also made you blissfully oblivious to the dangers of the street. Walking in the new york city streeets is a skill, you have to look where your going, strategize your path, look out for cars when jaywalking, and in general just have your antennae up. Now most people are just half-assing it while they're on a pointless conversation.

Self Definition, don't waste your time

Some of us need to define and label ourselves so that they we persuade ourselves that we do know who we are and where we belong on this earth. Those who pass through this know that we will never, because we all change from second to second, so it is pointless to define yourself. Definition is bullshit...and if you allow it to define who you are, then you become just that... a stereotype, a definition in a book, easily labeled and written off.

Who am I? I don't know you, but maybe you know who I am. Nobody can choose their Identity, others will do it for you, they will label and classify you irregardless of what you tell them you are. All you can hope for is to persuade others to think a certain way about you. Some of us spend our entire lifetimes trying to persuade others to label us as we label ourselves. Its just the way we think, we are so busy in our own heads that we need to label, classify and file everyone else into little folders so we can concentrate on ourselves.

Haters.....

It bothers me when people shit on immigrants by saying that they are taking our jobs. Jobs are not taken, they are given, they're contracts not handouts. You don't go to a worksite and take someone's job after mugging them, you go and you tell the boss your willing to do a job for whatever hes paying and he agrees to hire you. In this country for some reason we think we are entitled to work, in the same way we are entitled to free speech.

BTW .America is a Nation who’s cultural and motivating energy for the most parts comes from the outside, the new immigrants. Those who have meshed into the mainstream don’t contribute to the culture, they feed off the energy of the new immigrants.

Fear and Anxiety in Las New Yorks

Fear and anxiety seems to be contagious, the manager who tries to belittles his workers is passing down the anxiety he gets from the boss. When we feel anxiety we feel that we have to make everyone else feel similarly in order to not feel alone. Anxiety spreads like a disease. Certain people are more receptive to taking in other people's anxiety and therefore cannot survive in a place like New York City. ( I don't know how I do it)New York is rife with fear and anxiety, it stinks of it.

Intelligent design or organic evolution?

the wold works in such a non-emotional manner... the soil does not get mad at the sky for lack of rain. That leads me to think that the world works on a few simple rules of least resistance. That it doesn’t need an intelligent creator in order to exist. But the fact that were emotional and intelligent beings implies an intelligent creator. Unless our intelligence and awareness is just a product of the same rules that create and run the world. But, how come we are the only life forms who express this amount of awareness. Sure we have chimpanzees and dolphins that show similar thinking, but why such the huge discrepancy?It makes you think that us Humans are foreign to this world...who knows, Im just thinking outloud.

Useless epiphany

During vacation in Florida with my grandparents I came to a realization. I’ve made fun of people who wait for things to happen, for other people to change their lives for them, and who become to dependent on their boyfriends or girlfriends. I’ve been know to say that people after their teenage years do not change. Our personalities pretty much stay the same throughout their life. And it is partly true. I will not change for my own good, time has proven that. I’ve been single for a long time now and I haven’t changed one bit. I have gotten too comfortable in my loneliness. I am way to fearful and selfish to change for my own good. I am not willing to put myself through the emotional pain and rejection that comes with becoming a more assertive and outward person. In a sad way its in my self interest to stay the same. While I am missing out on a lot of things in life, I am also avoiding a lot emotional suffering. Avoiding pain is higher in priority than becoming better. In order to change I need to find a person who makes me want to become a better person. Someone who I care for as much as I do myself. I am willing to change for her, because she is willing to make me forget about myself and just “do it”. I’m stuck though because my shyness prevents me from meeting and connecting with other people out there. But at least is good to know that I don’t have to wait to expect myself to one day want to change.

NYC Will Chew And Spit You Out

New York seems desperate because its dense in competition for resources. Competition for jobs, dates, hipness, hotness, costumers, money, space, etc. People are so caught up in maintaining or getting up higher in the scheme of things that they forget to be self aware, considerate, or just caring. This is why New York is considered such a heartless city, do not come here if you want to connect and become closer to people.

Bad mental habits

Its a illogical frame of mind, but I’m a lonely person but yet I am afraid of rejection. I am so afraid of anyone telling me to go away that I’m not willing risk putting myself out there. I therefore perpetuate my feelings of being alone. Because I know that in my head the pain of rejection is much worse than the feeling of lacking someone else. Rejection hurts deep, loneliness drags on.

Truth, just like any other Ideal should be utilized...not worshiped.

Now I don’t mean that everyone should be a hypocrite and announce one Ideal when it benefits them and then denounce that same Ideal when it incriminates them. I just mean that people shouldn’t fight, argue, die or kill for it. We should debate it, just for the sake of debate. Why would you spend any energy on something that isn’t substantial, instead spend energy on making yourself and those around you happier. Vibrate Higher.